I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like, how did my mother know that?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.
People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them. Well, it's killing me!
Isn't it odd that networks accept billions of dollars from advertisers to teach people to use products and then proclaim that children aren't learning about violence from their steady diet of it on television!