A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
I don't mind their having a lot of money, and I don't care how they employ it, but I do think that they damn well ought to admit they enjoy it.
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.
I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.
The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Too clever is dumb.
Women would rather be right than reasonable.
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