A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
My life needs editing.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
You know me, I love lost causes.
Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.
Emceed the very first Grammy Awards show at the Beverly Hilton Hotel
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