Jim Gaffigan: They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket.
Jim Gaffigan: I come from a very big family, nine parents.
Jim Gaffigan: Have you ever had the Hot Pocket Hot Pocket? It’s Hot Pocket inside a Hot Pocket. Tastes just like a Hot Pocket.
Jim Gaffigan: Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'
Jim Gaffigan: There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
Jim Gaffigan: Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!
Jim Gaffigan: I only dated one asian girl, but she was very asian, she was a panda.'
Jim Gaffigan: I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
Jim Gaffigan: My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant'.
Jim Gaffigan: Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye'.
Jim Gaffigan: But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'
Jim Gaffigan: Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
Jim Gaffigan: The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Jim Gaffigan: Have you ever read a book that changed your life? Neither have I.
Jim currently stars in commercials for Sierra Mist. (2005-2006)
You can share a link to this page with your friend!