All men have an instinct for conflict: at least, all healthy men.
An institute run with such knavish imbecility that if it were not the work of God it would not last a fortnight.
Any subject can be made interesting, and therefore any subject can be made boring.
Be at the pains of putting down every single item of expenditure whatsoever every day which could possibly be twisted into a professional expense and remember to lump in all the doubtfulls.
Be content to remember that those who can make omelettes properly can do nothing else.
Child! Do not throw this book about; refrain from the unholy pleasure of cutting all the pictures out.
Every major question in history is a religious question. It has more effect in molding life than nationalism or a common language.
From quiet homes and first beginning,Out to the undiscovered ends,There's nothing worth the wear of winning,But laughter and the love of friends.
I am writing a book about the Crusades so dull that I can scarcely write it.
I have wandered all my life, and I have also traveled; the difference between the two being this, that we wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.
I said to Heart, 'How goes it?' Heart replied: 'Right as a Ribstone Pippin!'
I shoot the Hippopotamus with bullets made of platinum, because if I use the leaden one his hide is sure to flatten em.
I'm tired of love; I'm still more tired of rhyme; but money gives me pleasure all the time.
Is there no Latin word for Tea? Upon my soul, if I had known that I would have let the vulgar stuff alone.
It is sometimes necessary to lie damnably in the interests of the nation.
It is the best of all trades, to make songs, and the second best to sing them.
Just as there is nothing between the admirable omelet and the intolerable, so with autobiography.
Loss and possession, death and life are one, There falls no shadow where there shines no sun.
Money gives me pleasure all the time.
Of all fatiguing, futile, empty trades, the worst, I suppose, is writing about writing.
Oh, my friends, be warned by me, That breakfast, dinner, lunch and tea, Are all human frame requires.
Pale Ebenezer thought it wrong to fight, but Roaring Bill (who killed him) thought it right.
Statistics are the triumph of the quantitative method, and the quantitative method is the victory of sterility and death.
The grace of God is courtesy.
The Llama is a woolly sort of fleecy hairy goat, with an indolent expression and an undulating throat; like an unsuccessful literary man.
The microbe is so very small: You cannot take him out at all.
The moment a man talks to his fellows he begins to lie.
We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.
When friendship disappears then there is a space left open to that awful loneliness of the outside world which is like the cold space between the planets. It is an air in which men perish utterly.
When I am dead, I hope it is said, 'His sins were scarlet, but his books were read'.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.
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