A book is a gift you can open again and again.
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'
I want to resume the life of a shy person.
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned by Lutheran Brotherhood and must re negotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who don't understand why anyone would pay more than $120.00 for a suit.
People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, 'Where are you from?' doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.
Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.
Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
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