Frau Schaub came as an ambassador bringing flowers and telegrams. The result is that my whole office resembles a flower shop and smells like a cemetery chapel.
God, I am afraid he won't give me his answer today. If only somebody would help me - it is all so terribly depressing.
He has so often told me he is madly in love with me, but what does that mean when I haven't had a good word from him in three months?
He only needs me for certain purposes, otherwise it is not possible. This is idiocy.
I am racking my brains to find out why he left without saying goodby to me.
I am so infinitely happy that he loves me so much, and I pray that it will always be like this. It won't be my fault if he ever stops loving me.
I have made up my mind to take 35 pills this time, and it will be "dead certain." If only he would let someone call.
I have now reached the happy age of 23. No, happy is not quite the right word. At this particular moment I am certainly not happy.
I sat with him for three hours and we did not exchange a single word. At the end he handed me, as he had done before, an envelope with money in it. It would have been much nicer if he had enclosed a greeting or a loving word. I would have been so pleased if he had.
If I had a dog I would not feel so lonely, but I suppose that is asking for too much.
Perhaps he wanted to be alone with Dr. G., who was here, but he should have let me know. At Hoffmann's I felt I was sitting on hot coals, expecting him to arrive every moment.
So he has had a head full of politics all this time, but surely it is time he relaxed a little. What happened last year? Didn't Roehm and Italy give him a lot of problems, but in spite of all that he found time for me.
There is only one thing I want. I would like to be seriously ill, and to hear nothing more about him for at least a week. Why doesn't something happen to me? Why do I have to go through all this? If only I had never set eyes on him!
Today I bought two lottery tickets, because I had a feeling that it would be now or never - they were both blanks. So I am not going to be rich after all. Nothing at all to be done about it.
We'll see. If I don't get an answer before this evening, I'll take 25 pills and gently fall asleep into another world.
What is important is not to give up hope. I should have learned to be patient by now.
When he says he loves me, it only means he loves me at that particular instant. Like his promises, which he never keeps. Why does he torment me like this, when he could finish it off at once?
Why doesn't that Devil take me with him? It would be much better with him than it is here.
We offer the bourgeoisie the charms of Social Democracy, instead of showing our fist. We need the highest activity, true workers politics!
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